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My Roommate is Dead to Me
My roommate has been absolutely intolerable the past few days! She hasn’t gotten out of bed in over 48 hours and when I try and talk to...


YOUNG REPUBLICANS CLUB HOLD CLOSED DISCUSSION ABOUT TRANSGENDER COMMUNITY
With controversy surrounding transgender rights in America and the Society, Life, and Justice Club’s recent open discussion with students...


PEOPLE’S BANK TO RELEASE UPCOMING ROBBERY SCHEDULE
After the People’s Bank was robbed for the second time in a month, bank officials and local robbers have decided to release a calendar...


NAACP Revokes Ben Carson's Black Card
The NAACP recently announced that presidential candidate Ben Carson has lost his black card, meaning he is no longer considered a member...


EPCOT TO TAKE IN SYRIAN REFUGEES
In fear of more terrorist attacks, Republican governors across the country are shutting down state borders and prohibiting Syrian...


POLITICIAN RESIGNS TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH MISTRESS
After an illustrious 27-year career working in public office, Hamden Town Clerk Samuel Gorman has resigned in order to spend more time...


Hundreds of Freshman Burn to Death Standing on Commons Bridge
This past week, Quinnipiac’s sky was heavily tainted with the smoke-filled ashes of hundreds of burning freshman. Experts determined the...


TALL PERSON DEVELOPS FEAR OF HIS OWN HEIGHT
Freshman Nat Walsh has realized he is now afraid of his own height. Standing at a towering 6’8″, the very prospect of getting up has...


Citizen Changes Profile Picture, Feels Satisfied
Ellen Hunt, an upper-middle class suburban mother, became a hero after she changed her Facebook profile picture to include a French flag...


I DON’T WANT TO HAVE SEX NEAR A PORTRAIT OF YOUR BROTHER JOHN
I understand that you miss your family while you’re away at school, but you need to do something about the location of these picture...
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