This past week, Quinnipiac’s sky was heavily tainted with the smoke-filled ashes of hundreds of burning freshman. Experts determined the wooden bridge outside of Commons may not have been a far enough location for these students to stand during the fire alarm, while they maintain that the bridge is flame-retardant due to its proximity to a stream.
In what many have said was a “shocking turn of events,” the wood, mixed with a heard of Bacardi-breathed freshman, created a disaster that few knew how to handle.
When asked his view of the incident, Commons Hall Director Andrew Lavoie claimed, “They didn’t even have that much to drink! I had three times the amount that they did. They just couldn’t hold their own.”
Most of the students and staff who were present in Commons during the accident were unsure about the goings-on, and continued to step in, spill, and ingest vodka–containing 40% alcohol.
“Yeah, me and my roommates in Hill did smell something bad, but it was really similar to the regular freshmen smell,” stated sophomore George Becker.
One source contended that the smell Becker spoke of was actually burning flesh, while another, Commons freshman survivor Kate Murray, claims the smell “could have easily been confused with the weed and Axe body spray combination that usually lingers on the second floor.”
John Fern, a reportedly-competent junior RA, commented on his role in the tragedy. “I did think it was sort of odd that I had them stand on the burning wooden bridge. I remember a girl with one leg asking if she could leave the flames, but I mean it wasn’t really my place to tell her she could. We all have those freshman year horror stories, though.”
Investigators have tried to zero-in on the cause of the flames. Following trails of smoke with distinct fruity smells led them to a hidden study room housing the vaping community. The Vapers were all too ready to claim the glory for starting the fire. When asked why they had set several of their fellow classmates ablaze, they stood aside to let their Vape leader explain.
“We set the fire to get the word out about our cause. You see, vaping isn’t dangerous! We lit up the freshman to show how dangerous fire is, because vaping doesn’t use fire and is therefore extremely smart and safe. We also just really wanted to let everyone know that we Vape. It’s more than just a hobby–it’s a lifestyle that deserves recognition,” said Brad Richardson, Vaper.
When asked what steps they plan to take in order to prevent future incidents, Residential Life assured students that they would be moved to a safer location than the bridge, either in the woods or in the shed where they keep the club car fuel.