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POLITICALLY CORRECT RACIST STRUGGLES TO EXPRESS HIMSELF
Politically correct local racist Aaron Heuskin has been struggling to convey his feelings. Given the recent Syrian refugee crisis,...


NEW FRATERNITY EXCITED FOR INEVITABLE SUSPENSION
Alpha Epsilon Pi, a culturally Jewish fraternity known as AEPi, is one of the new Greek life organizations on campus. They eagerly...


FILMMAKERS TO TURN THE BIBLE INTO THE NEXT TEEN ROMANCE DYSTOPIAN FRANCHISE
With Harry Potter, Twilight, and The Hunger Games finished, and the majority of people forgetting that Divergent exists, Hollywood has...


PARTY CITY TO OFFER WHITE STEREOTYPE COSTUMES
In an attempt to rectify the annual problem of racially insensitive Halloween costumes causing controversies, major costume distributor...


BRAVO DEBUTS “REAL HOUSEWIVES OF SUBURBIA”
As mandated by their contract, The Real Housewives are adding ten approved spinoff shows to Bravo’s fall lineup, the first of which is...


MAN UPSET WITH RUBBERNECKERS SLOWS DOWN TO STARE DISAPPROVINGLY
While in bumper-to-bumper traffic Tuesday night, local man Jonathan Gallagher took the time to slow down and angrily look at the...


HUFFLEPUFF DECLARED SEXIEST HOUSE IN HOGWARTS BY YOUR CREEPIEST ROOMMATE
During a totally unrelated conversation this past Tuesday with your three roommates, Alex, the creepiest of the three, made it clear that...


STUDY SHOWS STUDENT’S FAVORITE BAND ISN’T REALLY THE BEATLES
A new study from The Clinical Research Institute of America shows that The Beatles aren’t really freshman Tabitha Buton’s favorite band....


SINGER DOES IT FOR THE MUSIC, THE ASS
In a recent interview, a local musician revealed her stance on her growing popularity, stating, “I don’t do it for the money–I do it for...


Student Goes Home, Realizes His Friends Kind of Suck
Thanksgiving week brought a whirlwind of emotions for junior Ted McCarthy as he came to the realization that his friends back home kind...
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