In the midst of the harshest election season in recent memory, the human embodiment of a box of puppies Tim Kaine has revealed his plan to defeat ISIS: “I think all ISIS needs is a good ol’ heart to heart. Followed by a big ol’ hug.”
Sources say that running mate, Hillary Clinton, advised Kaine to bulk up his counter-terrorism proficiency by watching the Showtime series ‘Homeland.’ Kaine allegedly went home and watched all seasons of ‘Full House’, claiming that the ‘home/house’ similarity in the title confused him.
“First, I’ll give a light knock on the door. I fully expect to see the ISIS leader with his arms folded and groan when I give him a ‘How ya doin’ sport?’” Kaine explains. “I will then make the move to the end of his bed and give him a tap on the knee.”
Experts noted the Danny Tanner-esque themes in this attack, with hints of a Joey Gladstonian goofiness in his approach. Kaine described himself as more of a “Uncle Jesse” figure, which critics pointed out is such a “Danny Tanner” thing to say.
“I will then explain to him how I got frustrated while learning how to play the harmonica. Then I’ll remind him that you can’t go being mean to people whenever something doesn’t go your way,” explained Kaine.
“ISIS will apologize, bring it in for a group hug, and at that point the audience will give a heartening ‘aww’ as smooth jazz plays over the proceedings.” To end the announcement, Kaine threw his hands in the air, pretending he was in a freeze frame.