After 34 years spent inside a Soviet-Era bunker, Quinnipiac University President John Lahey finally emerged last week to resume his work above ground.
“This school’s a lot different from how I remember it,” President Lahey told reporters at the scene. “It’s a lot bigger than when I left. I don’t remember the sun being this bright either. I guess it’s been a while.”
Taking a walk through Tator Hall for the first time in nearly three and half decades, President Lahey remarked at how much the Quinnipiac population has grown. “I can’t wait to get back out there and see the students. I’ll definitely try and see the QU Braves play this season. Maybe I’ll pop into that Ray and Mike’s bar the students go to just to say hey.”
The President stated that although he has been burrowed underground for the last 34 years, he absolutely denies that he is out of touch with his students, as a recent Quad News opinion piece suggested. “I am still very close with the student body. My fax line has always been open for students to reach me.”
“I’ll probably even get a beeper, since I’m mobile again,” he continued.
The President went on to tell reporters that his biggest struggle since he left has been a sense of cultural alienation.
“Times sure have changed here,” he stated, putting his hands back into his parachute pants, “The USSR is gone, there’s an entirely new generation of students. Sometimes people make references to things I don’t understand. I want to try going to this ‘web’ thing. I still don’t know what a ‘snookie’ is.
“And what’s all this ‘Quinnipiac legend’ crap? I’ve never heard of it.”