We all know that feeling when parents roll onto campus: where am I going to watch my porn now? Rest easy, the Barnacle has you covered!
In the bathroom: This one is your go-to if you ever find yourself introducing your parents to your roommate’s’ parents. Let them debate politics while you sneak away into the nearest stall with your phone on mute.
At the library: A tougher location, but it’s quite doable if you pick the right desk and orientation. Tell your parents you have a “chapter to outline” for an hour while they go fill the car with gas. Make sure to keep a Google Docs tab handy, just in case they find you.
On a tour: Your parents decide to take their 5th tour of the campus since you’ve enrolled, so you decide to tour your own attractive sights. Claim you are “texting Greg about that sociology paper” while you’re really watching “Greg and the Girl Next Door.”
At Eli’s: The ultimate thrill: porn in public. Not that you weren’t in public before, but if you are going to risk losing any self-respect you had, you might as well do it with a plate of Italian sausage in front of you while a different Italian sausage gets busy under the table.
TD Sports Center: Let’s face it, you’re only at the hockey game because the deafening cheers of the crowd are the perfect way to drown out the moans of the 27-year-old schoolgirl in your messed up roleplay video. Just make sure your siblings are getting a picture with Boomer, you don’t want them asking what game you are playing.