Attention undecided voters, or voters who hate their candidate, so pretty much all of America. You have experienced the most vicious election in modern history. How many more scandals can we take? How many more memes of Ken Bone can we suffer? Yeah, you could vote for Gary Johnson or Jill Stein, but if you really want to make a difference, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel; and that light is the exclamation point from “Jeb!”.
Nothing’s more exciting than an exclamation point. Hey! You see? You see how kickass that “hey” was? Exclamation points amp up every situation. Consider the sentence: “I have raisins.” Look at how boring that sentence is. Now put an exclamation point on it. “I have raisins!” DAMN. What’s this guy doing with those raisins? I don’t know but I’m in. And that’s why I am voting for the exclamation point.
I’ve been campaigning hard for this exclamation point for months now, with mixed results. In hindsight, putting up sign that has president with an exclamation point behind just looks like you’re really pumped about the word president. “President!” And things got even more confusing after we revealed the vice president to be a question mark. “President! Vice President?” Say what you will about that choice, but question mark as VP is perfect. He (or She?) is going to ask all the important questions.
So what if exclamation point’s brother is a Mexican? ¡Familia es importante! And who care’s that the exclamation point supported Jeb? Poor, sweet, innocent, naive, soft, pudgy, adorable, bashful, rosy cheeked, wide eyed, double chinned, black sheep, lone wolf, cuddly, warm, Jeb. You were too pure for this election. But this exclamation point will carry out your message. This exclamation point will sing the song of your forefathers for years to come.
Thank you, and don’t forget to vote for President! And Vice President?