Despite your repeated statements to the contrary, sources say that everyone knows you’re going to break up with your high school girlfriend, John.
Donald Scholes, John’s roommate, has been very adamant about the state of John’s relationship. “I don’t care if John’s been dating that high schooler for three years or three days, that relationship is never going to last,” said Donald, while buying more condoms than anyone could mathematically use in four years. “There is no way he’s going to be with her by Veteran’s Day.”
While John assumed that his new college friends would not support his relationship with someone who still had to study for her SATs, he was surprised to find that his professors also disapproved of his relationship. Professor Frank Spellman, Statistics professor, had some thoughts upon hearing that Ryan was dating a high schooler. “John seems like a really bright student and I’d love to give him something higher than a B-minus in my class,” said Professor Spellman. “However, his poor judgment in trying to make a long distance relationship work with a girl barely out of puberty makes me unavoidably biased towards giving him C’s on busy work. I can’t see that relationship lasting much farther than Columbus Day.”
After a rough orientation, where all he could think about was being with a 17-year-old girl, John hoped to find some comfort in talking to his family, but found that they were taking the side of every one of the dozens who have heard his story. “He compared his love for this high schooler to the love that I have with his mother, because we also met in high school,” said Peter Brinkman, John’s father and someone. “But if I had grown up in such a sexually adventurous generation, I would have never married his mother. Besides, we’re divorced now.”
At press time, everyone was in agreement that John would be single by Yom Kippur.