In a move that is sure to anger Quinnipiac’s devoted Jana Kramer fan base, the University has canceled Fall Fest three days early due to the intoxication of the entire student body. No new date has been scheduled for the event.
“We had no choice but to cancel the event,” said President John Lahey, “The decision seemed like a no-brainer when I witnessed two girls in cowgirl boots puking in the library at 11:30 on a Wednesday morning.”
Many of the students were angered by the news, and felt the school wasn’t taking into consideration what country music is all about.
“Yeah, well so what if I’m drunk! I’m pre-gaming!” said Junior Legal Studies major Mike Grady.
“Country music is all about getting trashed in the parking lot and being cowboys anyways,” he continued as he discarded his straw hat.
Other students argued that the school didn’t take the feelings of would-be audience members into consideration.
“It’s so unfair!” wailed a noticeably intoxicated Sarah Jones, “President Lahey KNOWS I love Tyler Barham!”
When contacted for questions, all three artists scheduled to perform this weekend claimed they had never heard of Fall Fest and said their only familiarity with Quinnipiac was that is was “the school where those assholes ‘Capital Cities’ performed.”
“We tried making the transition as smooth as possible, giving the student body the time and the space they needed to come to terms with this new reality,” insisted Mary E. Zaffino, Executive Assistant to the Executive Vice President.
The school has left itself with a problem “more serious than the indifference of country superstars toward our university,” Zaffino continued, “and more serious than thousands of drunk teenagers being inconsolably disappointed.”
Zaffino reportedly has delegated to public safety on this main issue of an angry, drunk, and flannel-clad student body still stumbling around the parking lots two days before the weekend is set to begin, now without a cause.