The “Great Turkey Shortage of 2012,” which has left over 400,000 families in Connecticut without a Thanksgiving dinner, has been linked to Chartwell’s recent menu that has been serving Thanksgiving dinner “every fucking goddamned week,” according to students.
The shortage has forced food banks and local charities in the area to scramble for food one week before Thanksgiving, a day which Americans use as another excuse to spend the entire day stuffing their fat fucking faces.
“I’m getting pretty sick of having thanksgiving every fucking goddamned week,” said junior Thomas Nassr. “It’s just too much.”
Chartwell’s Director Leanne Spalding said that the reason for the frequent turkey on the menu is due to a tax deal with the town of Hamden.
“We take care of the rampant wild turkey in Hamden in exchange for tax credits,” said Spalding. “Plus, who doesn’t love stuffing? An asshole, that’s who.”
Spalding went on to say that the dining services are planning to convert the Thanksgiving dinner menu from turkey meat to New Haven pigeon meat due to the expected extinction of the turkey population by next spring.
The deal has caused controversy regarding the health of students. According to Danielle Susi of the Quad News, “overindulging in the most delicious fucking goddamned meal known to man takes a very dangerous toll on your body.” The health center warns that turkey risks include sleepiness, dessert cravings, and an increased sense of Christmas spirit.