A simple run to the cafeteria turned into a philosophical horror for one student after a 36 hour wait triggered an existential crisis. Junior Domingo Perez reportedly realized the meaninglessness of our dreadful existence after waiting patiently on the line at the Deli counter for a day and a half.
“I’ve always been a spiritual person,” Domingo commented via telephone from the corner of his room, where he reportedly remains in fetal position, waiting for the pathetic emptiness of this futile rat race of life to abruptly, finally end. “But never before have I been so thoroughly tested. There is no God.”
Witnesses report that Domingo seemed perfectly content upon entering the cafeteria, but after 13 hours without any progress in the line began to become withdrawn and nervous.
“In the grand scale of the universe and of the eons of time,” Domingo added, “are we not merely specks of inconsequential dirt, who experience temporary awareness before slowly withering away and dying?”
When asked about the issue, Cafeteria Manager Chris Schumacher said that management was working on a solution.
“We do our best to keep the line moving,” Chris told reporters, “but the workers slow down when they begin to see life as a short desperate chain of random unfulfilling events that are ultimately insignificant to the indifferent nature of time. It’s unavoidable.”
Chris then became very still, and stared off into the abyss without saying another word.