A prank went awry tonight at the QU vs. Colgate Men’s Hockey game, when senior Robert Stanton attempting to streak across the rink was almost immediately run over by several hockey players going for a puck. According to several witnesses at the game, it was a horrifying, and yet strangely awesome, experience to see.
“It was appalling, grotesque, and terrible,” Junior Angela Romano told reporters after the game, “but, at the same time, it was absolutely spectacular.”
“I didn’t think bodies could bend that way,” she added.
This reaction has been echoed unanimously by all audience members, each describing the incredible nature of the accident, which has held them in both awe and revulsion.
“It was like poetry,” Sophomore Ryan Schwarz commented, “the way that kid’s body twisted and folded in, collapsing on itself with the unbelievable power and beauty of a dying star. Do you think they recorded it?”
“No?” Ryan continued, “Maybe he can do it again tomorrow.”
Despite the severity of the injuries, the prank has been called an astonishing success, with audience participation reaching a record high and enthusiasm for the sport reaching its peak in many years.
“My intention was to give the audience something to cheer for, something to pump them up,” Robert told a reporter from his hospital bed, tapping out his answers in Morse code with his one working finger, smiling through his wired shut jaw. “And now I can proudly say I succeeded.”
“Beyond even my wildest hopes,” Robert tapped.
At press time, the university announced tomorrow’s game against Cornell has been cancelled, saying that “it will take too long to clean out all the blood in the rink.”
EDITORS NOTE: Unfortunately, due to our competitive drive to bring you the news first, we have reported the wrong name of the streaker. Reporters were thrown off by the multitude of abhorrent bruises. The report has been updated to reflect the accurate information. We regret the error.