Every morning, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan goes on a three-mile run, devours a nutrient-filled breakfast, and browses through Twitter to see what aspect of his morality he will betray today. Ryan, along with other high-ranking Republicans such as Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell have shifted ideologically to align themselves with their new boss, and it has given them plenty of entertainment.
“I love waking up and having no idea what I’m supposed to believe in,” said Senator McConnell. “It’s an adventure. How am I supposed to feel about Obamacare? How about the Planned Parenthood? Who’s paying for the wall? Am I a fan of the gays? Well, the answer for that last one hasn’t changed much, but you get the gist”.
The jubilant House hottie echoed this sentiment, “I figured my conscience and the rights of millions of Americans was a small price to pay for the third highest position in American politics”. Vice President Pence added, “I have always agreed with everything my President has said, Muslim ban included. Also, completely unrelated, but tweets go away after 24 hours, right?”.
When asked how difficult it was to abandon some of his core beliefs, Ryan responded, “It’s easy bending over backwards for President Trump when you don’t have a backbone”.
After his press conference, Speaker Ryan was found in his office, curled in the fetal position, muttering ,“We are the party of Lincoln” over and over again.