The Department of Public Safety sent an email to Juniors today that they’ll “put up with a lot, but parking in North Lot before 3 is the last straw.”
The mass email went on to list the things that Public Safety is willing to tolerate: underage drinking, parties broken up by the local police, mass disrespect, and illegally having 8+ people in your 5-seat sedan. However, the email stated “but under no circumstances will we let you park in an open spot in north lot. We used to tow your car. Now we’re going to burn your house down and take a shit in your microwave.”
When asked about the new policies in effect, Public Safety chief David Barger doesn’t see why there is an issue at all.
“We’re just trying to teach kids about the real world and operate as if we’re a real police force,” he said on Sunday. “Everyone knows that when you break a law in real life you just get a slap on the wrist. But when you violate a university policy, we’ll tow your car, kill your dog, and fuck your mother.”
Barger went on to say that all new Public Safety policies would be created in line with the new parking policy, adding “just wait until you hear what we’re doing for people who don’t refill the toilet paper.”