The university announced today that plans are in place to relocate the College of Arts and Sciences from its current location to the far side of the moon due to concerns that it was too close to the rest of main campus.
“Relocating to the moon brings a lot more open green space to campus,” said the university’s Capital Projects Manager, John Donlan. “Students will barely even notice that they’re going into space. Our current shuttle system will be augmented with space shuttles to get students to and from the Mt. Carmel campus to the new Moon campus.”
University staff had for a long time been contemplating the move, calling it “fucking ridiculous” to have students walking ten minutes to get to CAS’s current location. After a committee report showed that moving the complex to the moon would at least double the amount of time to reach CAS, the university decided to act on it.
The heads of the moon relocation project have also addressed concerns about the lack of oxygen on the moon, releasing a twelve-page report entitled “Oxygen is for Assholes.”
The move to relocate didn’t come about easily, though, according to project manager Rupert Allen, head of the company being contracted to relocate CAS.
“It was a tough decision,” said Allen as he floated in a bathtub full of cash. “Sure, there’s an astronomical cost with relocating to the moon, but I think it’s a cost well spent if it eases the students’ commute.”
Some students have expressed concern with the space shuttle timing – citing current shuttle schedule mishaps – but a Dattco service representative assuaged their fears.
“The space shuttles will operate on a strict schedule,” said the representative, “and students can expect only a quick 3-7 day shuttle wait depending on weather conditions and solar flares.”
At press time, John Lahey was seen shaking his fist at the moon and laughing uncontrollably.