To all my fellow men in relationships all across America and beyond, I have disturbing news for you all, we are under attack. We are slowly being targeted simultaneously by one program that is going completely unnoticed as the biggest cybernetic player this world has ever seen. The program that I am referring to is none other than the mysterious music-streaming giant Spotify!
I know what you’re all thinking. “This is crazy” they’ll say. “That doesn’t make any sense” the guys will respond. Well thats because they’re blinded to the truth which is this: Spotify is trying to steal your girl. You may not believe it. You don’t have to. It doesn’t matter. It’s happening, you guys. Spotify is doing the one thing that we’ve been milking for years: to get sensitive hot girls to sleep with us and then, I guess, date us afterwards. Spotify is making weekly mix-tapes for girls everywhere, single or not.
Not only are we, the sensitive straight white guys in romantic comedy movies, fucking screwed now that girls don’t need us to listen to decent music, but even the girls who aren’t single are starting to get in on this. This robot playlist-making lowlife is giving all the good romantic recommendations to all the eligible females who “aren’t like other girls,” a line that’s been stolen from us! All any girl can talk about is how good her Discover Weekly playlist is this week and it’s fucking sickening.
No matter. We as the sensitive boys in long overcoats and fingerless gloves have to hold strong. I’ve been going steady with my girl Sharon for a whole month and I make sure to give that angel a fresh mixtape every week. She’s still taking them, but I see that look in her eyes.
Every time she says “I love you, Jason, and I know it’s only been a month, but I never want to be with anyone else but you.” I know what she’s really thinking. She’s thinking of running away with whatever program runs that damn Discover Weekly playlist. That sexy little algorithm. What an asshole.