New Haven resident Peter Jamison was hospitalized this morning after jumping in front of a moving train at Union Station in response to the most recent controversies regarding the two front-running candidates.
Stemming from his general feeling of hopelessness, a common trait amongst the voting populace, the seemingly drastic decision reportedly came to him as he was waiting for the 9:00 train for work.
“I can remember it vividly,” Jamison recalled. “Someone was replaying footage of the debates on her laptop, and it all sort of just clicked, you know? If these two are what we had to narrow the election down to, then I sure as hell wanted no part in it.”
It was around this time that Peter grabbed the laptop, much to the dismay of its owner and immediately jumped into the path of the oncoming train. Miraculously, he survived the incident and is currently hospitalized.
“That train just spoke to me: his policies, his plans for tax reform, climate change. It all made so much more sense than anything Trump or Clinton brought to the table,” Jamison continued, who looked disappointed after surviving the incident. “I could see it so clearly, the only one who could possibly lead the country was coming for me. I shut out the noise, and went to embrace her.”
Bystanders at the scene of the jump, however, had differing opinions.
“I think the guy’s clearly lost it,” said one woman. “I was at a train station once, and there were only two bathrooms: One for males, and one for females. I can’t let a train that’s going to assume my gender run for office!”
The train’s passengers, while rattled, sustained no injuries. A representative of the Amtrak line came forth with this statement: “We at Amtrak put the safety of our passengers and trains before all else. This time, though, we mean it. Seriously. Pinky promise.”
Jamison, in the meantime, has found a new lease on life: “Man, these painkillers are awesome. What’s in them?”