BARNACLE RELEASES CHRONICLE HOSTAGES AFTER SUCCESSFUL RAVE AGREEMENT
- Sean Kelly
- Nov 8, 2016
- 2 min read
An inspiring outcome from a disastrous situation: after having its demands met, local radical state The Quinnipiac Barnacle has released its hostages from The Quinnipiac Chronicle.
The hostage crisis erupted following the Barnacle’s disagreement of the Chronicle’s review of “The Jungle Book,” published in early 2016.
“Look, say what you want about the visuals, I don’t care. Bill Murray as Baloo was lazy casting, plain and simple,” said one disgruntled Barnacle writer.
The hostages were held in the upper café in one of the corners with the brown comfy chairs.
Public Safety was quickly called, and upon their arrival, the Barnacle listed their demands. “We want a heartwarming article about the friendship between Quinnipiac sports broadcasters Tyler Brosious and Justin Cloutier! And make sure to mention their nicknames ‘Brosh’ and ‘Clouts’! That’s very important.”
“Alright, alright, you got it,” said the public safety officer according to the transcript. “Is there anything else you want?”
“Yeah, I want to know how they met and how their friendship has evolved from playing Madden sophomore year to their playful back and forth as broadcasters in their senior year," the Barnacle said.
The public safety officer then asked if all of their demands had to do with Tyler Brosious and Justin Cloutier, which only seemed to make the Barnacle angrier. Members of the radical state reportedly held up their weapons to show they meant business, which included a mechanical pencil, a plastic bag, and a scented candle, which some thought, was a stick of dynamite.
“I want a word search about boy bands,” added member Nate Walsky, “and a crossword, also about boy bands.”
Both demands were met. Feeling cocky, Nate went for one more. “ I want the Sudoku to be about boy bands.”
“That’s not how Sudoku works,” yelled a Chronicle hostage, throwing Nate into a temper tantrum.
Their final demand was to be “raved” by the Chronicle’s Arts and Life section. This created an uproar among Chronicle members, especially after the Barnacle demanded phrases be used such as “comedic gold mine”, “pieces of creative art” and “did not disappoint”.
Ultimately, the agreement was met and the Chronicle members were released. Sources confirm that the next hostages on the Barnacle’s list include QU’s Notable, the Hiking Club, and Tyler Brosious and Justin Cloutier.
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