Shocking news today on Quinnipiac’s quad when a dead man was found in the midst of hundreds of relaxing students. “I was laying on the grass with my friends when we noticed him lying face first in the ground,” quoted sophomore Jessica Stone. “We all looked at each other and said, ‘How do we get that relaxed?’”
The body was found with no identification. His wallet, license, and pants were stolen. “I’m so jealous of his lifestyle. I wish I could live without all those materialistic things,” says senior Chad Bradley. Within a few hours, crows flew in and began pecking at the remains. “I mean the guy is great with animals. Is there anything he can’t do?” continues Chad.
Suffering from multiple stab wounds, it appears that the victim died after a drug deal had gone awry. “Well, we’re all stressed out before finals,” says Jessica, “and for him to be doing extracurricular activities…there’s no wonder why he wouldn’t want to blow off some steam on a nice day like today.”
Police arrived at the scene with hundreds of suspects still on the quad. “Yeah, we stuck around there for a while,” quoted one Hamden police officer. “We kicked Public Safety’s ass in Kan Jam just like last year’s May Weekend. Nothing to report.” When asked about the dead body, the officer replied, “Oh, him? He didn’t notice us at all, he was so chill. We didn’t want to bother him anyways.”