After the recent spike in gun violence in America, US government officials were proud to announce that they’ve finally found a solution. It was with a small, knowing smile that Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announced the key to ending gun violence: more guns.
News outlets and citizens alike were floored by the announcement. Chris Christie, a governor known for his popularity, was elated with the news. “I have no idea how we didn’t think of this sooner! It just makes so much sense. Nothing says ‘stop gun violence’ like more guns.” Christie said.
When questioned on how the US government was able to construct such a progressive idea, Paul Ryan was ready with the answer: “We looked to other countries and saw how successful they were in ending mass shootings. After carefully studying their ideas and techniques we decided to do the complete opposite.”
The announcement led to – what we’ve been assured – were tears of joy throughout the nation. Sydney Harris, a local mother and first time gun owner, shared her reaction to the news. “I’m delighted that our government is finally doing something to end gun violence,” she said. “After all these incidents I’ve been nervous to send my kids to Kindergarten. Now I realize I should just arm them!”
Known as the left antichrist, Hilary Clinton has been the only one to speak out against this new progression. Often criticized for her thievery of conservative’s guns, she has come forward with a statement to express that her distaste for the new law has nothing to do with her previous theft. Sitting on a throne constructed of still-smoking assault rifles and AK-47s, Clinton gave her statement. “I want to take the guns away not for the safety of the people but to add to my throne,” she confessed. “One day I hope to have a complete castle made of pistols, why else would anyone want to take away guns?”
This new legislature is certainly one that will go down in history. After all, there is truly nothing more important than the second amendment, at least certainly not the lives of American citizens.