With killer guitar riffs, deadly beats, and manslaughter lyrics, WQAQ’s annual Battle of the Bands ended in tragedy, with hundreds of fatalities.
Every year, WQAQ invites the Quinnipiac community to participate and attend a concert that crowns the best student band on campus. However, the participants in this year’s event took the “battle” too literally.
Each band brought their own weapons to the event and used the weapons to defeat their rival bands. Weapons included hatchets, guitar picks, guns, drums, dirty bombs, tambourines, bow and arrows, and the power of music.
“I brought the hatchet,” said Doug Traverse, biology major and bassist for Stanky Rivers, the third place band. “I thought it would be useful to eliminate some of the other competition or, at the very least, be a cool thing to swing around on stage.”
While Traverse and his bandmates were focused on attacking other bands in the competition, some of the assaults inadvertently affected the audience. “I threw the grenade,” said Samantha Erickson, Spanish major, drummer, and current murder suspect. “My band is called Chocolate Grenade, so I thought a grenade and a Snickers bar would be a fun thing to throw out into the crowd. Unfortunately, the grenade blew up the chocolate, so I don’t think people really got it. Also, the murder and whatnot.”
With hundreds of students dead, school officials have decided to not blame the students who committed the murders nor the companies who sold them the weapons, but plan to sue Marilyn Manson, because “he probably had something to do with this, right?”