Last week, philosophy student Anthony Florence made a revelation that he does not, in fact, exist. After about seven hours of refuting his existential state at a press conference, it became apparent that there was no way of proving his existence at all. Many onlookers were incredulous at first, insisting that Florence was “right fucking there” and that “this is a load of bullshit.” Others, however, seemed enlightened at Florence’s proposition.
“It really is fascinating to meet someone who sees the real picture, that none of us really exist. In fact, nothing ever existed…whoa…” contributed Steve Mortimer, from under a Rastafarian hat.
Included in Florence’s argument were logical progressions of disproving permanence theory, metaphysical absence and its implications, and acosmistic references with slight allusions to solipsism. While most listeners accepted Florence’s nonexistence, more explanation was necessary when it came to the greater problem that they too did not exist, and “would never amount to anything.”
“This is an incredibly hard subject to understand, I know, but think of it this way: all of us are just tiny pieces of sand on an infinitely long beach. We are all so small and minuscule compared to the expanse of the universe that we are incomprehensibly insignificant. In the grand scheme of things, what are we?” Florence clarified.
This statement was met with wide audience applause, with the exception of several onlookers who were clearly fed up with Anthony’s logic.
“If you don’t exist, would you feel the pain of my fist in your eye?” asked Anthony Cooper, an observing scientist and avid believer of what we conceive as reality.
Florence concluded the press conference soon after Cooper’s inquiry and was last heard quietly assuring himself that everything would be okay as long as his emotions didn’t exist.