NEW HAVEN SHUTTLES HALTED TO ALLOW DRIVERS TO BECOME BETTER ACQUAINTED

To begin this new school year, weekend shuttles into New Haven were canceled in order to allow the shuttle drivers to become better acquainted. It’s a move that has been highly criticized by many of Quinnipiac’s class of 2018, and highly praised by many of Quinnipiac’s shuttle drivers.

“It seemed like the pretty obvious thing to do,” said Head of Public Safety David Barger, “the shuttles just run smoother when the drivers know they’re working with friends.”

Despite the increase in productivity and job satisfaction on the side of the shuttle drivers, the changes have left many of the freshmen upset, as they are unsure what they will now do on the weekends.

“I had already wandered drunk to the Bobcat about a billion times,” said freshman Shelly Poleman,

“I think it’s my right to be able to wander drunk through the slick city streets of New Haven.”

“I’m so sick of carting around these ungrateful, spoiled, motherfucking kids,” said Ron Clarke, shuttle driver and shuttle shutdown supporter.

“It’s about time I’m able to get drunk off of cheap liquor and get jiggy at Toads,” Clarke continued.

In the end, both sides seemed to have received some benefit. By the time freshman shuttles to New Haven were back in service, the drivers had huge smiles on their faces and even bigger EDM playlists for the ride.

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