As a consequence of reaching dangerous levels of alcohol poisoning this weekend, senior Annie Neilson has met her weight goal, providing the student with bikini-season confidence.
“I’ve tried exercise and a variety of diet pills, but nothing works quite as effectively as too much Peach Schnapps,” said Neilson, a future doctor.
Sources close to the incident agree “dangerous binge drinking is in,” while, reportedly, healthy eating is no longer in fashion.
Speaking on his battle with dieting, local student Tim Rosenthal contended, that “[he’d] rather get hammered every weekend to the point of risky levels of dehydration than continue to eat vegetables with [his] meals. They say you have to lose the water weight before anything else, you know.”
“There is no rival to the amount of success alcohol poisoning can guarantee,” said weight loss expert Natasha Henry, thereby solidifying the benefits of the poisoning method as outweighing its disadvantages.
The health center will be conducting a trial on students’ success with the new diet trend, setting up new beds for those who have opted to lose their weight in the comfort of a dehydration coma.