LAST STUDENT ON CAMPUS WITHOUT A SMARTPHONE FOUND, EXECUTED

After two years of careful genocide, the last Quinnipiac student who did not own a smartphone has been eliminated by school officials and replaced with a better, more tech-savvy version of the person.

“It’s been a long, hard road, but we finally did it,” said Associate Vice President for Academic and Strategic Planning Annalisa J. Zinn, fist-pumping over her victory.

“We’re still in talks about the future of our job here at Quinnipiac. As of now, we think the next step for the strategic planning committee is the elimination of gingers, people who wear boot cut jeans, and people who don’t listen to music,” continued Zinn.

Speaking of the massive undertaking in which the aforementioned Neanderthals were replaced with similar, Mars-derived stand-ins, Associate Director of Medical Technology Yanko Michea claims they “look almost exactly the same but with the addition of glasses and button up shirts. They all look a little more like members of the Geek Squad now.”

On how they were able to carry out the extermination so seamlessly, Michea conceded to trickery and manipulation.

“We were able to pick them out of a crowd by hanging up advertisements for classes on Internet use. There were no cases of mistaken identity because, naturally, the people with old phones or no phones are the people who read the posters on the walls. Those who read the signs would then take out their datebooks, pencil in the time and date of the event, and go back to looking around, dodging smartphone users as they zigzagged into other distracted walkers. It was a foolproof operation.”

Although it was originally a covert affair, officials claimed the need to explain the rapid decrease in cell phone diversity on campus through a full report on their mission, rumored to have been an assignment from high-up U.S. government officials.

In response to the doubt of naysayers over the ethics involved in the deal, Director of Academic Technology Lauren K. Erardi reportedly nudged her advisor, pointed at a particular naysayer, and mouthed “they’re next,” although eyewitness proponents believe “it was all in good fun.”

At press time, Erardi was seen congratulating those who applauded her work and sharing the news that they would now “survive phase two.”

#technology #dead #death #AmandaDamone #news