In response to the growing variety of needs from the increasingly diverse student body, Quinnipiac’s Health and Wellness Center now offers hardcore drugs.
“We already offer feminine protection for female students, free condoms for busy males, and hand sanitizer for the germaphobes. And, I couldn’t help but think that meth addicts have needs too,” said Phillip Brewer, University Medical Director for Student Health Services.
According to a recent Quinnipiac poll, 90% of students on the Mt. Carmel campus support the production of illegal opiates and narcotics to be offered at the reception desk.
Anxious drug enthusiast and biochemistry major Alex Rizzo extolled for the whole druggy demographic. After a long day of schoolwork, we all like to wind down with a little crack cocaine, am I right?”
Members of the Health Center staff reported “an infrequency [of student patients]” for the last two spring semesters and have organized a plan to combat this underemployment of resources by offering up a wider range of goods.
As they work toward completing the final steps in the production of this decade’s best-selling street drugs, Director of Student Health Services Alice Holland has asked for assistance from “those youths who can help us with the lingo,” citing an incident in which “whoop chicken,” a synonym for methamphetamine, was “shot down” for “not being a term that human people use.”
Also needed, Holland announced, is the presence of a new suggestion box being displayed up front, and Holland has verified that the Health Center is “now taking requests” for products the student body wants to see available at the center.
“No matter how obscure or seemingly made-up your needs are,” added Staff Nurse Danielle Carrano.
According to Carrano, this news comes just in time, considering the fierce needs of the up-and-coming, though currently underground, population of students with high-maintenance fetishes.
Carrano claims she is looking forward to the day when these “enthusiasts,” as they prefer to be called, “will be able to satisfy their cravings without leaving campus, right along with the perverts and the addicts.”