Ever since Quinnipiac University has replaced its mailboxes with a smart locker system, thousands of complaints have come from students regarding them not getting their packages. But as it turns out, the mailroom does have your packages, but it’ll cost you a heavy price.
What Quinnipiac has neglected to mention to students is that the mailroom has hired a new supervisor, who goes by the name of Haborym the Destructor. In a rare twist, he has been systematically sending students’ packages to the Dark Dimension in order to resurrect his master, a dead god who has been forgotten by our books.
As for those of you who do not wish for this god to return to our mortal realm, and who also wish to get their care packages sent by their parents literally three weeks ago, luckily the Barnacle has the steps you need to take, graciously provided by our resident savior, Kadosh the Lightbringer.
1. Obtain the blood of a virgin. Any computer science major will do.
2. Smear the virgin’s blood into the shape of a pentagram on the pavilion in front of the Arnold Bernhard Library.
3. Recite the ancient incantation: “Msyruena na evah annog m'i ro egakcap nmaddog ym kcab em evig retteb caipinniuq.”
4. Repeat this incantation 3-4 times until the skies turn blood red.
5. Throw your Qcard into the center of the pentagram, opening a portal directly into the Dark Dimension.
And there you go! You have your package and you thwarted Haborym’s nefarious plan to bring a thousand years of darkness. And all it will cost you is your immortal soul. But it’ll be worth it to get your $60 headphones from Amazon.
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