Ever since the introduction of Quinnipiac’s football program in 1964, it has won 34 NEC titles, had 3 Hallmark movies based on its success, and every single player has reached the NFL. However, the university was taken by surprise earlier today when it was announced that every single person within the Bobcats Football institution tested positive for steroid use.
“I know what I did might be wrong, exposing these young athletes performance enhancing drugs, but winning just feels so good,” said head coach David Anderson as he lifted two 450lb. weights easily over his head. “Man, am I strong.”
Officials became suspicious of steroid use earlier this week when the Bobcats beat RISD 2,401 to 7.
“In past years, the Bobcats would win by around 1,000 points,” said John Marshal, head of IPSICA (Institute to Prevent Steroid use In College Athletics). “So when they won by over 2,000 I thought something was a little fishy.”
It did not take long for his suspicions to be confirmed as a quick visit to their locker room found mountains of evidence. Even the physical trainers, coaches and water boys were found guilty of steroid use.
“Thinking back on it, it should have been a warning bell that every single affiliate of the team looked like a toned Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime,” said Marshal. “Running back Sarah Violette took so much testosterone the she literally grew a penis.”
When asked to comment, the football players said that they were too busy looking at their ridiculous muscles to give a quote.
The administration is still deciding on what form of action to take on the issue while many students were pretty positive of the steroid use.
“Honestly, it’s the athletes that excel without steroids that scare me” said junior Carl Vitale. “I just don’t trust them.”