At 8:00 am this morning a University facilities worker was rescued after spending a night in the Pine Grove with the controversial “sex statue.” The 54 year-old male was discovered by security guard Michael Leftwich on his morning patrol.
“As soon as I found the worker I contacted health services because his penis had been frozen to the statue,” Leftwich said. “They promptly brought over a cup of warm water and carefully removed the employee from the statue […] the poor guy was crying when I found him. Apparently he had been there since midnight. It looked painful”
The University has not released the facilities worker’s name but the Barnacle did catch up with one of the man’s coworkers, Ralph Johnson, who was reportedly in the Pine Grove at the time of the incident.
“Me and the guys were just hanging out in the grove like we do most nights. We usually play jacks and set the squirrels’ tails on fire, but last night we saw the statue and got an idea,” said Johnson. “I dared him to stick his tongue to the statue, he double dared me, and I triple dog dared him back, and jacked it up a notch: instead of his tongue, it had to be his dick. That was, of course, the end of it. You can’t turn down a triple dog dare. Anyway, he did it and when he tried to pull away he was stuck. We panicked and ran.”
This is the second time this semester that the facilities department has been involved in hijinks involving school property. In late August, worker Benjamin Rodriguez took part in a chaotic high speed chase in a facilities cart after trying to retrieve a baseball from old man Dansdill’s backyard. When he tried to receive the ball he was attacked by Dansdill’s massive, aging dog, starting the chase and beginning what ended in upwards of $30,000 in damages to the university.
The university has stated that the facilities department as a whole has been called to President Lahey’s office for a stern talking to and some disciplinary action