Quinnipiac Administration announced earlier this morning their intention to pardon the recently apprehended senior Walter Patterson, aka the “Quinnipiac Robin Hood.” The announcement comes at the heels of an immense faculty protest over the beloved hero’s arrest.
According to the Public Safety press release, Patterson was involved with numerous thefts around campus, sometimes discreetly taking the wallets out of students’ pockets, with the intention to return the money to the poor, defenseless Quinnipiac Administration who “really needs it.”
“He’s a modern day legend,” Bursar office employee Richard Conrad told reporters. “He takes from those already massively in debt and probably will be until retirement, and gives to us. Normally we’d hike up the tuition, but this is pretty much the exact same thing.”
“There should be more people like him,” Conrad added, reclining in his chair made entire out of money.
“I just try to do what’s right,” Patterson told reporters after his release, smiling as he pick-pocketed a passing visiting parent. “I’m glad the administration so intensely approves. Unfortunately, Public Safety added some conditions to my release. I can’t steal from students anymore, that’s the school’s job.”
“So I’m going to go to New Haven and steal from the homeless there,” Patterson continued. “After all, students or the homeless, doesn’t matter. Poor is poor.”