Once again, the QU Bobcats utterly annihilated the RISD Painters in the annual Thanksgiving Day game, beating the Painters by an astounding 2,401 to 7. This is now the 36th year that the Bobcats have won the Thanksgiving game.
“Our team really put on an effort, and it shows,” said QU football coach David Anderson. “We whoop the Painters’ asses every time, and next year will be no different.”
This year’s game began just like any other. After the ritual coin toss, star QU quarterback Nicholas Passell (69) immediately snatched the ball from the referee’s hands and punted it to linebacker Alex Leafer, who was inexplicably just waiting in the Painters’ end zone. Amid cries of outrage, the Bobcats continued to make play after glorious play, getting a touchdown each time.
“It’s just ridiculous,” said RISD quarterback Andrew Robins, pushing up his glasses and nursing a dislocated left arm. “This isn’t even football. It’s just people being assholes.”
QU running back Sarah Violette begged to differ.
“I think that QU takes its football seriously,” she said. “I mean, look at me! Due to title IX they have me on the team, and I can kick ass with the best of them. I ripped a player’s leg off with my bare hands in the second half, then proceeded to use it as a weapon to bat away other players on my way to the end zone. The ref said it was so cool that he gave us 14 points for that one.”
After much pain and suffering on the Painters’ part, they finally scored a touchdown with three minutes to go in the game. RISD’s last conscious player, Jonathan Rodriguez, did the honors.
“Is this hell?” asked Rodriguez after the end of the game. “I really don’t want to play anymore, but they won’t let me leave.”
The Bobcats travel to Cooper Union for their next game on November 30th. Check back for updates every week with The Barnacle, the home of Quinnipiac Football.