Fall is here. Columbus Day Weekend has come and gone, and we’re finally starting to break out those fluffy sweaters and puffy parkas. This might sound like a nice change of pace after all those hot months of summer, but when it comes to dating and hooking up, it is an actual nightmare. Fall and winter dating is horrifying. How are you supposed to be expected to gamble with the contents of a bulky sweater or oversized jacket? Anything could be under there! You could be dating a highly-sophisticated android and not even know! Everyone hides their shame underneath their bulky clothes, and the result is a sexual mystery grab.
You know who wasn’t ashamed of their body? Christopher Columbus. Yes, I’m referring to the man we still celebrate to this day on a little holiday known as Indigenous People’s…I mean Columbus Day. Yes, Columbus Day weekend just passed, and since we devoted an entire day to the guy, might as well embrace it, you know? So far it hasn’t been too difficult to stomach because what a HUNK, am I right?
How can you possibly say no to a man who thought he discovered an entire continent? My heart just aches when I think of all the Native Americans he displaced by claiming land he wrongfully assumed was free for the taking. There’s just something about a man who knows what he wants and takes it, even if it means uprooting an entire culture that’s existed for thousands of years. The thought of him forcibly spreading small pox, along with the legs of the native women, really sends a shiver down my spine. I can’t think of a single thing that gets me hotter than the idea of Christopher Columbus checking his compass, looking out over the ocean and observing the measurements of his sextant. Allow me to observe YOUR sextant, Mr. Columbus.
I just think anyone who really gives it the thought after this past weekend will realize just how “daddy” Christopher Columbus really is. That incredibly unique explorers cap, that wild gray hair that darts out in all directions, that odor that can only come from someone who didn’t often clean themselves. It was the 1490s back then, and everything was just so raw. Just imagine the pure, unadulterated man odor mixing with the fishy sea air and the incontinence of the slaves he no doubt had brought aboard after the excursion. Ugh, how does that not just get your engine, or I guess your SAIL, revved up?