Stocks rose for Netflix’s market value when that guy who quotes Spongebob too much signed with for a stand-up special. “That’s right,” said Netflix CEO Tim Tomlin. “We couldn’t secure the rights to stream Spongebob Squarepants. So we got the next best thing; the guy who quotes it to deflect the lack of a personality.”
Kevin the Sea Cucumber, a Quinnipiac student who changed his name to an obscure character from the show, says that he’s been perfecting his routine for years. “First, I hit ‘em with a Patrick quote, maybe an ‘I Wumbo, You Wumbo, He/She/Me Wumbo.’ Then I go with a ‘Leedle Leedle Needle Lee’ to reel them in. Finally, to bring the house down, I go for a rendition of ‘This Kitchen’s Not The Same Without You’.”
Fans of the comic are concerned he might be running out of material. “We all know he’s desperately trying to avoid post-2004 Spongebob,” explained Gary (not to be confused with the cartoon snail). After quoting nearly every line from every pre-2004 episode, Kevin has recently taken to quoting random sound effects.
“Buzz…buzz,” he quipped in the tone of a jellyfish at an open mic last week. “Meeeooooooow”. The crowd was not on his side. Struggling to win back the crowd, Kevin attempted a quote from the second Spongebob movie, which was met with immediate disapproval.
“This stand up special’s gonna be my swan song” said Kevin following Netflix’s announcement. “Remember, licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets.” Insiders claim Kevin is moving on to Drake and Josh material following the special.