In order to tackle the so-called “diversity issue” on campus, Quinnipiac has created an entire position dedicated to fixing the problem. University officials have done their best to rectify the lack of diversity on campus, doing everything short of something crazy – say, actually letting in non-white students or hiring staff of color. President Lahey appointed John Lehigh to fill the position, and don’t you worry: our sources have confirmed that Lehigh is indeed white.
A few eyebrows were raised at having Lehigh fill the diversity position, but after several hours of questioning, doubters were reassured that he was indeed white enough for the job. President Lahey personally conducted what he calls the “skin test”: the persons hand is placed on a sheet of computer paper to see how much it stands out. The applause was deafening when Lehigh’s hand nearly disappeared, proving how white he truly is.
Sophomore Valerie Davis reported seeing Lehigh drive by in a car sporting an “All Lives Matter” bumper sticker. Shaking her head fondly at the memory Davis recounted still being able to hear the O’Reilly factor blast through the Buicks speakers.
Junior David Jones spotted Lehigh having lunch and was very pleased with the encounter. “I saw him eating a piece of grilled chicken and watched in awe as he complained that the pepper was far too spicy. Seeing that really made me feel more secure that he was white enough for this job.”
After incorrectly pronouncing Beyoncé’s name and referring to Obama as “the worst thing to happen to this country,” skeptics were left feeling satisfied with his whiteness. However, nothing proved how perfectly suited he was for the job than his first act in the new position: firing ethnic professors.
Lehigh stated he felt this would be the right move for the University due to the fact that it’s what Jesus would have wanted. The diversity problem on campus surely will be solved by getting rid of any international, ethnic professors. Lehigh commented, “There were far too many of them! I feel secure in my decision after all the real diversity issue on this campus is that it isn’t white enough.”
Those with doubts should be rest assured that Lehigh is also uncomfortable around “the gays,” and doesn’t plan on doing anything to help women on campus.