A recent clerical error has accidentally reopened the Vietnam War. Sources reveal that the clerical error occurred during a complex series of law reversals stemming from an addendum to the recent John Muir National Historic Site Expansion Act. The United States shall technically be at war with The Democratic Republic of Vietnam between the dates of April 15th and April 17th.
According to Secretary of Education Arne Duncan, who championed the John Muir National Historic Site Expansion Act, the government “had no way of knowing what kind of effect the clerical error would have. We prepared for every possibility, but this was at the very bottom of the list.”
News of the reopening of the war has led to several online protests and a new generation of artists fighting for peace in the Asian peninsula. Kent State’s Facebook group has already seen four members removed as a result of “misconduct during protests.” Electronic remixes of John Lennon’s Imagine and Give Peace a Chance have gained massive popularity in the past few hours, as has Creedence Clearwater Revival Revival’s hit song Fortunate Grandson.
A recent press release noted that the United States has made attempts at “Re-Vietnamization.” Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter commented on this process, stating, “The program of Re-Vietnamization has the exact same goal that its predecessor had: To reduce the number of U.S. troops on Vietnamese soil, while at the same time helping the South Vietnamese army become better suited to fight its own war while the United States assists with financial and strategic aid.”
So far the South Vietnamese government, which fell to and was absolved by the Democratic Republic of Vietnam, also known as North Vietnam, in 1975 shortly following the evacuation of United States troops, has not replied to United States requests to turn towards Re-Vietnamization. Carter also noted that “The government of South Vietnam seems almost apathetic about the next forty-eight hours. It’s as though they just aren’t doing anything these days.”
Entirely unprompted, Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, offered his military forces to fill in for the absentee South Vietnamese army. The United States turned down this solution, which is formally titled “The Democratic People’s Republic of Koreanization.”
In response to Un’s plan, Russian president Vladimir Putin, also unprompted, stated, “The people of Russia would be honored to fight alongside North Vietnam once again, even if it means squaring off against North Korea in place of our former foes.” Putin, making no note of the 48 hour time period in which the Vietnam war will be reopened, then stated, “We look forward to once again being top dog on the block.”