Isis, goddess of health, marriage, and wisdom, has filed an official cease and desist against terrorist group ISIS. She claims the coalition used her name, and thus, her likeness in vile acts, which she believes qualifies as a defamation of her character.
“It’s just like, what the fuck, you know?” the Egyptian Goddess exclaimed. “I’ve existed long before these guys’ ancestors were born.” The terrorist group has launched massive attacks in several countries, killing thousands of people over the course of the last year, effectively ‘tainting the goddess’ name.’
“Look, I’m extremely overworked here,” Anubis, god of death, commented. “I keep welcoming the victims of the attacks into the afterlife because Geb thinks Isis is behind it all.”
Geb, Isis’ father and god of the sky, was not available for comment, however, his worshippers believe Isis ‘needs to fight her own battles.’
It is not only the goddess of life’s name being dragged through the mud, but also her most loyal supporters as well. Spiritual organization Fellowship of Isis is also experiencing some difficulties after widespread news of the terrorist group’s activities.
“Yeah we’re not doing so great,” Fellowship ambassador Victoria Robertson added. “Oftentimes, good people don’t want to get involved in our work, because they think we’re terrorists, but we believe in eternal peace, so it’s a bit awkward.”
Isis’ most fervent supporter, her brother Osiris, is adamant that the goddess is rightfully offended, and that this lawsuit has been ‘a long time coming.’ Osiris will be acting as her lawyer and sole confidante ‘as soon as they find out who the hell is in charge.’
At press time, terrorist group Isis was committing violent acts, creating widespread fear that all people, gods, and organizations that claim to be a part of Isis are dangerous. Government officials worldwide are considering deporting those with “Isis” in their name, as well as potentially barring them from immigrating into countries where those affiliated with the name “Isis” hoped there would be fewer cases of mistaken identity.