University officials have confirmed that BobcatNet has been having connectivity problems because “that lazy fucking bobcat” is running the wheel that powers Quinnipiac’s internet.
Webmaster and amateur animal trainer Peter Sampson has been harnessing the power of animals for the university’s internet for many years. “At first, we had a hamster in a wheel and called it HamsterNet. Cute, right? Well, what’s not cute is the amount of hamsters that died so that kids could watch dial-up porn on their iMac G3s!”
After HorseNet, DogNet, and SnakeNet all failed, Sampson finally found that BobcatNet was the most successful and caused the smallest number of animal deaths. However, the bobcat has stopped running as often as he used to and sometimes does not run at all, causing BobcatNet to fail. “He just started skipping running sessions, especially from 8am until 9:15pm,” said Sampson, as he stroked the bobcat’s head. “He also is reluctant to run when midterms and finals are coming up.”
Sampson does not believe anything can be done to fix the bobcat’s sluggish approach to running. “You know that saying, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink? Well, this is more of a ‘you can lead a bobcat to a running wheel that powers an entire university’s internet, but you can’t make him run.’”
Sources close to QU-Guest say that Quinnipiac’s guest is still in his running wheel and is “faster anyway.”