After accidentally uploading the raw footage from their recent inspirational video, it was revealed that SigEp forced their pledges to carry their brother with a rare genetic disorder up Sleeping Giant. The video, which made national headlines on esteemed media outlets Total Frat Move and YouTube, seemed to depict the fraternity members banding together to help another brother achieve a dream, but was actually the first hazing event for the pledges.
“We had to start hazing and we also needed a heartwarming video to go viral,” said Gary Beckham, the Chair of Viral Marketing. “It was clear that we could kill two birds with one stone, which we also made the pledges do.”
Out of sight of the camera, a brother carried a hot iron that he would periodically use when he thought one of the pledges was dropping their brother, resulting in pain and the word, “FUCKBOY,” branded permanently on their body.
After looking at the raw footage of other “inspirational” videos, school officials found even more acts of hazing. In 2014, Sigma Phi Epsilon volunteered at a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving, helping members of the Hamden community to a hot meal. They filmed the event and it was watched by tens of people in QU201. However, after they were done serving the food, the pledges were forced to put the soup ladles in their butts and then serve soup to the members of SigEp.
“They told me that by serving tomato bisque with my asscheeks, I would learn about brotherhood,” said an anonymous pledge, who was worried about getting a swirly if SigEp knew he talked to The Barnacle. “All l I learned is that I definitely do not want to get a prostate exam anytime soon.”
Despite Sigma Phi Epsilon controlling the Student Government Association, the Student Programming Board, and Anime Club, the school has cracked down and issued the fraternity a cease and desist letter. However, Sigma Phi Epsilon Grand President Richard W. Bennet said, “There is no way that this will stand, especially after we get our lawyers on it. They mostly deal with getting DNA thrown out of rape cases, so this will be a nice change of pace for them.”
When asked for comment, the Sigma Phi Epsilon brothers were unavailable, stating that they were paying homage to David Cameron and were too busy making an “inspiring” video with pledges and farm animals.