After a St. Louis County grand jury failed to indict police officer Darren Wilson in the August shooting of Michael Brown, law enforcement officials across the country have turned their attention to ridding the streets of the unarmed black teenagers that have been terrorizing the country.
Police stations across the country have adopted a new policy called, “If You See A Black Something, Say Something,” which encourages citizens to call police officers if they see black people, specifically male teenagers, unaccompanied or traveling in groups. In turn, a police officer will immediately investigate, armed with riot gear, tanks, and four different machine guns. With all of this heavy artillery, officers will no longer carry tasers, mace, or even handcuffs.
“The days of black teenagers killing cops, with their superhero strength and Teflon-like body, are over,” said local Chief of Police Thomas Rankin. “If I see an unarmed black teenager, you better believe I got my hand on my gun, because if they turn on you, and they always do, you got to be ready. If he’s wearing a hoodie, I’m firing five rounds at his feet. If he turns his back to me to leave, I’m aiming to kill.”
While this strategy has only just been put into place, Quinnipiac Public Safety has adopted the policy with immediate effect. “Nothing is more important than safety and security and, as you learned when we gave guns to our unqualified officers, Quinnipiac will always overreact to real-world events,” said Head of Public Safety David Barger, who recently got the phrase “Nothing is more important than safety and security,” tattooed on his chest.
The Quinnipiac faculty and staff are in support of this new policy. “I made eye contact with this hulking black boy and he started walking towards me. I didn’t know what to do, so I called Public Safety, who said they would come immediately. Before they got there though, the black boy smiled at me and said, ‘Can I please have a cheeseburger?’ said Marlene Peterson, head chef of the burger station in the cafeteria. “It was a harrowing experience, but I felt much better knowing that three men on golf carts, with no gun experience, were equipped with machine guns and on the way.”
In addition to “If You See A Black Something, Say Something,” black male teenagers will be forced to put their names in the 1/2 Rights Registry, which lets different groups of people know that they have less rights than the general populace. In addition to black male teenagers, the 1/2 Rights Registry also includes Latin Americans, Native Americans, families below the poverty line, homosexuals, and females of any age or race. This is not to be confused with the 1 1/2 Rights Registry, which includes white males, celebrities, white males, the top one percent, white males, police officers, and white males.
At this writing, President Barack Obama has not commented on the new policy, but was reportedly repeating the phrase, “I’m asking anyone who protests to do so peacefully,” while staring at himself in the mirror.