ICE CATS TO STOP MAKING EVERYONE FEEL INFERIOR
- Amanda Damone
- Dec 12, 2013
- 2 min read
As of Tuesday at midnight, Quinnipiac’s team of Ice Cats has agreed to the first of several measures regarding the cessation of what critics are calling “making everyone feel inferior about themselves.”
Although the Ice Cats have already stopped performing at women’s games because of audience members’ issues with “feeling super uncomfortable” about the general body size and shape of the skaters, new regulations to be put into action at the close of this semester will now require the 13 ice girls to “slip, fall, or make some kind of blunder” that will show the flaws that the girls “totally must possess, right? I mean they have to,” said hockey fan and senior health sciences major Talia Ward.
Officials claim that the complaints by female students about how “these girls drive me to eat my feelings after every men’s game” and “my girlfriend looks like a homeless man next to these skating cheerleaders” have driven the school’s athletic administration to take action.
On their seemingly perfect behavior and appearance, Athletic Director Alyssa Budkofsky stated, “I once saw an Ice Cat blink her eyes out of sync with the other girls, but that’s about it.”
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, the academic advisors to the Ice Cats revealed that all thirteen skaters currently have straight A’s across the board, and have maintained these grades for every semester spent at Quinnipiac University.
At a recent hockey practice, the girls “arrived early and brought everybody coffee,” said player Kellen Jones.
“They all have great relationships with their parents too,” bitter waterboy Casey Holmes added as he ate his feelings.
For the first game with the new regulations in place, the cheerleaders will reportedly be “really considerate about [the self-consciousness] of the fans and will probably give away some t-shirts before the game,” conceded Associate Athletic Director Ernest E. Hallbach.
“That will happen after they finish up their charity work and modestly respond to some compliments first, though,” Hallbach added as hundreds of people continued to hate themselves.
Comments