Exactly as they planned it, QU After Dark’s latest event resulted in a record amount of dead fish on campus. According to several reports, dozens of goldfish were seen floating at the top of too-small bowls, being flushed down toilets, and lying motionless on tables in the cafeteria in the 24 hours between the event’s commencement and the death of its final victim.
Several students conceded to putting salt in their fishbowls, hoping to revive their lethargic pets. This only expedited their imminent deaths, thus creating a demand for replacement fish. Students everywhere have accepted this pyramid scheme as an extension of the fun and eagerly await round two.
Assistant Director for Programming Stephen Pagios praised the students who organized the first of many manipulative events for helping to bring to fruition his dream of mass sea creature annihilation.
“He gave us all high-fives and cracked jokes about how the students would be too lazy to buy fish food,” said Megan Hatton, proud member of QUAD, obviously gloating about the success of the evening.
Sources with ties to QUAD claim near-cadavers are already being scavenged in anticipation of next semester’s continuation of what will surely become a morbid cycle of entertainment.