HAMDEN, WI (I mean CT... crap I messed up the dateline)
The Quinnipiac Barnacle is officially dead (again) according to the most reliable and true source of information ever, Wikipedia.
“The Quinnipiac Barnacle was a parody newspaper at Quinnipiac University,” the Wikipedia entry said. “The newspaper used to publish online daily, but COVID did a Thanos snap LOL.”
Students on campus were visibly confused because Wikipedia is always 1000% right and can be used as a peer reviewed journal in a works cited section.
“Gosh darn, where am I supposed to get my subpar digital writing now? Thanks a lot Wikipedia.“ said Michael McNugget, a sophomore gastrointestinal studies and nuclear processing double major.
Neha Seenarine, current editor-in-chief of the zombie publication, decided to defy human logic and announce that the Barnacle was in fact still alive per a now-deleted MySpace post.
“Hello Wikipedia, I literally exist,” wrote Seenarine on the world’s most popular social media platform. “Like, did we not see my photoshoot in the Chronicle? I thought I reactivated this org already! We have a bi-weekly meeting tonight, how is this possible.”
Later this week, or maybe next depending on QU Notables and Q30 Television previously booking the Piazza, the super mysterious and anonymous Wikipedia admin will appear for an official press conference to confirm the Barnacle’s demise. Students were encouraged to come in droves to the event, as those who did not attend would be relegated to browsing Encyclopedia Britannica for the remainder of 2022.
“I want to be very clear when I when I say this,” said the admin in an emailed statement to the Barnacle, (which was considered hypocritical of the writer since Wikipedia said we’re already defunct), “The Barnacle is morally, ethically, spiritually, physically, positively, absolutely, undeniably and reliably dead.”
Upon receipt of this calculated communiqué, Seenarine knew she had to take (phil) swift and immediate action.
She officially created a Wikipedia account.
“Wikipedia referenced the ‘Wizard of Oz,’ and that was a moral line I can’t stand to see be crossed.” said Seenarine. “I logged in and edited the article’s text by citing our DoYouQU page. It was stupidly easy to change, but that still doesn’t dispute the reliability of it as a source of record.”
By pulling this Uno reverse card, the super mysterious and anonymous Wikipedia admin was last seen melting into a puddle, screeching “what a world (wide web)” to no one in particular.
Rumors say the admin was Tom Ellett in disguise, but more than likely, we’ll never know.
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