[WRITERS NOTE: ARTICLE TO ONLY BE RELEASED BACKDATED AFTER SPB ANNOUNCEMENT SO WE CAN PRETEND WE KNEW THE WHOLE TIME]
According to sources close to The Barnacle, Quinnipiac’s yearly concert [NOTE: CAN IT BE CALLED A CONCERT AFTER THAT SHIT THEY PULLED WITH SAL??] hosted by the Student Programming Board will be headlined by [INSERT WHOEVER THEY BOOKED, PREFERABLY ED SHEERAN]. The information was leaked to The Barnacle by a member of SPB [NOTE: CAN WE ACTUALLY BRIBE SOMEONE? CHECK BUDGET] a few [DAYS/WEEKS/MONTHS] before the official announcement.
[INSERT SINGER], whose career started in [YEAR], is most known for their hits such as [IF IT’S PARTYNEXTDOOR JUST SCRAP THE WHOLE THING, NOBODY’S GONNA CARE]. A rep for the singer confirmed that [NAME] will be performing at Quinnipiac [NOTE: WILL THIS GET US INTO ACTUAL LEGAL TROUBLE? CAN’T AFFORD NELLY LAWSUIT].
Upon hearing the news, students are [EXCITED/DISAPPOINTED/PERSONALLY OFFENDED] by the choice, with many taking to YikYak to share their feelings. According to one anonymous user, “[INSERT FAKE QUOTE AGREEING WITH WHATEVER WAY WE WANNA SPIN THIS].”
[WRITERS NOTE: SPB ANNOUNCED IT’S NOT ICE SPICE, MARCUS YOU OWE ME $20]
Wake the Giant will be held on [HAVE THEY SERIOUSLY NOT ANNOUNCED THE DATE?? THESE AREN’T THE LAUNCH CODES PEOPLE COME ON] at Quinnipiac’s M&T Bank Arena.
[WRITER’S NOTE: GOD DAMNNIT WHAT THE HELL IS THAT NEW GRAPHIC THEY JUST POSTED. IF I HAVE TO WRITE THIS ARTICLE ABOUT THE FUCKING WIGGLES I’M QUITTING]
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