Students and perplexed faculty gathered at Quinnipiac University’s newest money-hungry expansion project, the Shake Smart cafe, for its latest promotion that involves eager smoothie consumers and broke college students throwing it back in exchange for a free shake.
“I didn’t expect to be shaking my ass cheeks at 11 a.m. on a Tuesday but I’d do anything for a free shake, thank you Quinnipiac,” said Amanda D. P. Throat, a first-year puppet arts major.
Students of all facets of life gathered in Quinnipiac’s Recreation and Wellness Center, the home of the aforementioned Shake Smart, to watch their peers shake what their mamas gave them for a free shake on March 7, national Alexander Graham Bell Day.
The holiday was chosen as the day for the promotion because Bell apparently had an “infinity for booty poppin’”, according to an anonymous source whose name may or may not rhyme with Budy Bolian.
“Hey, I get to shake my badonkadonk, earn a free shake and commemorate the guy that invented the telephone, I’m in heaven,” said Vye Brator, a third-year circus studies major.
Ben Derhover, a second-year Canadian studies major and a visibly underpaid employee of Shake Smart, said he has no clue what Bell is known for but is aware that he’s Scottish. Yeah, we don’t know why either.
“I don’t know the guy but I’m sure he would appreciate a little ass-shaking from time to time,” Derhover said. “Any good man does.”
As part of the promotion, the cashier gets to judge the quality of every participant’s ability to clap one’s cheeks. If the willing participant fails to impress, the cashier gets to publicly shame them, as if shaking your ass in broad daylight isn’t embarrassing enough.
“What do I look for in a good ass shaking? Confidence and precision. Shaking one’s ass cheeks is an art form and should be taken seriously,” said Clee Torres, a first-year bakery science major and far-to-happy-to-be-here cashier at Shake Smart.
Not everyone was thrilled with the promotion, however. Dixie Normous, an associate professor in theme park history, felt like the promotion was a “grotesque” and “blasphemous” operation.
“This is a grotesque and blasphemous operation,” Normous said.
Despite some Debbie Downers and naysayers, students left the RecWell center as new people, shakes in hand and a new appreciation for the art of throwing it back.
“I feel like we all learned something about ourselves today,” Brator said. “I don’t know what this is just yet, but I bet it will be great once I do.”
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