QU Student Stands Up for Yale, Gets Brutally Murdered on Quad

In a case of another Quinnipiac University student not knowing their place, senior still pornography major Paniel Dassapera was publicly slaughtered on March 6 for calling the Battle of Whitney Avenue a “waste of perfectly-good money and Everclear.”

Prior to the men’s hockey team’s matchup with Yale in the ECAC Hockey Tournament Quarterfinals, Dassapera took to the Quad in an attempt to prevent the school from blowing their load all over the M&T Bank Arena seats like they did last time.

“When will we learn?” Dassapera asked. “When will we learn that whenever we play Yale, they just laugh at us from their rooftop orgies as they sip on their–”

Dassapera did not complete his thought as a task force comprising several tour guides, orientation leaders and peer catalysts took six katanas to his body, slicing him into cute, little noodly ribbons before putting a bullet into the remains.

Some students believed that this treatment toward Dassapera may have been too harsh.

“I mean, I kind of wanted to hear him out,” first-year hockey major Brendan Phillips said. “Dawg was just trying to speak to the masses … Oh he was trying to praise Yale? Eh.”

Phillips proceeded to spit on Dassapera’s rotting corpse.

Others were upset they were unable to witness Dassapera’s killing live.

“I swear to god, I take one day off to contemplate ending it all and this is what I miss?” Quinnipiac surveillance worker Todd said. “I think it’s decided at this point.”

The regime has not announced any new plans to regulate pro-Yale propaganda, but Quinnipiac students have been extra supportive of their Bobcats as of late.

Long live the regime.

This article has been brought to you by the regime.

Rest in Pain, Paniel Dassapera

1984-2023