With seemingly endless allegations being made against government officials regarding inappropriate sexual behavior, Congress has been forced to take action, coming to the conclusion that the most effective solution is to create a safe space in Washington for those guilty of rape and sexual assault.
“It’s brilliant. We’re creating a fourth branch of government specifically for sexual predators,” said Senator Todd Lerr-Fondler, one of the accused.
“I was quite startled at first, to be honest,” said former Representative Anthony Weiner, another accused. “I thought all of my past mistakes had been put to bed, so to speak.”
“It was kind of weird, you know, being faced with a problem we actually had to solve. Normally we just let people talk for a while and then move on to avoiding the next problem, but people were really get- ting their panties in a twist over this one,” admitted Congressman Dick N. Cyder, who later clarified that it was not him twisting anyone’s panties, “they just kind of got like that”.
This new branch– the Molestative Branch– will likely be a permanent insertion into the lives of Americans, who were given no choice in the matter. Furthermore, those eligible will be encouraged to remain in office by both their colleagues in Washington and their constituents, who have expressed the concern that being held accountable for their actions might permanently damage these individuals, which would be entirely unacceptable.
When Representative Ross C. Rotum was asked about what type of work is to be done within the new branch, his answer was candid, “We do exactly what we did before– sit around and get paid! Not that it matters– Americans don’t even know what congress is supposed to be doing, let alone the molestative branch.”
According to these federal trail-blazers, it truly doesn’t matter what they say or do anymore.
“None one really gives a shit– you might as well take our names off the ballot all together and put a little red box, a little blue box, and a green one just for fun, and let people pick their favorite color!” Senator Pat McGroin bragged. “In fact, I could say whatever I want in this interview here and it wouldn’t change a damned thing, because no one reads full articles anyway! These fuckers just see a headline, react, and keep on scrolling.
Though Americans have yet to see a change so large when it comes to the structure of the federal government, this branch-unlike the advances of the officials in it– is being welcomed by many. And, as many of the accused have put it, “there’s a first time for everything– just relax and enjoy it.”
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