Either the short king from your Econ class last semester finally hit puberty, or he totally got that surgery from TikTok where they snap your leg bones in half and stretch you out like taffy to make you taller.
Sophomore biomedical science major Noah “Pee-Wee” Herman was at most 5' 4'' last spring, but was reportedly seen walking through the caf earlier today at a whopping 5’11”. While other vertically challenged students believe this happened naturally and that there's still hope for them, most people agree that Herman underwent incredibly expensive and low-key humiliating bone lengthening surgery.
According to the Mayo Clinic, the process for this procedure involves doctors shattering every bone in your leg, before hooking you up to that machine Willy Wonka used on Mike Teavee and slamming the lever.
“Oh it’s really obvious,” said Herman’s freshman year roommate Ben Curtis. “His knees are just slightly too low on his body. Plus he clearly blew all his money on the surgery and can’t afford new clothes, cause he’s walking around looking like Larry Bird in a baby tee and booty shorts.”
Not everyone is against Herman's decision, however. After conducting a poll of all the women who would stop to talk to us (seven), the Barnacle found that 83% of them considered Herman “significantly hotter” and “a pleasure to have in class.”
When approached for comment, Herman insisted he was always this tall, and is “actually six-foot, if it matters.”
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