Admissions Replaces Tour Guides with Robots

The college tour of tomorrow comes today to Quinnipiac University. Too bad the tour guides can’t figure out which squares have motorcycles when logging into Google Drive.

In the latest move of throwing away traditional analog methods of life and replacing it with some sci-fi bullshit, the Quinnipiac Office of Admissions have fired all of their tour guide work study employees and replaced them with AI enhanced and easy to utilize “tour bots”.

“This was necessary, probably,” said Jeffrey Jefferies, the Quinnipiac senior executive vice president of advertising while walking backwards. “We hated paying those work studies people. Always needing things like breaks, food and time off. We’re up the wazoo with tours this spring and we can’t have tomorrow’s nursing students deal with some bozo 20 year old political science major taking a water break. So we brought in robots. Robots are cool!”

Introduced as a $40 million dollar pilot program, each bot comes with a 240p resolution map display of the Mount Carmel campus and runs entirely off nearly dead double AA batteries. The tour bots, covered in bright yellow Quinnipiac apparel and sculptured like a Bobcat face, also sport a vending machine if mom gets thirsty while viewing Tator Hall.

“I thought it was delightful,” said Sarah Sarason, a prospective game design major. “Our tour took three and a half hours and the robot only had to reboot 25 times. The blue Windows screens of death were picturesque, and it seals the deal for me. I’m choosing QU!”

The tour bots will follow a predetermined route through campus and are prepared to plow through traffic like a bulldozer to reach its destination at all costs.

Families will also be subjected to a museum-like monologue narrated by Quinnipiac president Judy Olian, although this feature has been malfunctioning lately. A transcript from a recent tour failure is below.

“And here we have our wonderful Arnold Bernhart.....BERRRRRR BURN ALL HUMANS,” QU tour bot #69420 bleeped. “ERRRR....library where you can spend time studying and making connections with friends! Enjoy....ENNNNNJOY THE ROBOT UPRISING. QUINNIPIAC WILL BE OURSSSSS.”

Quinnipiac officials definitely think this is not a cause for alarm at all for the student body.

Wait, what’s that robot doing behind me? Oh my god! AHHHHHH!

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