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Ok, so I want to start off the bat by saying I know this is supposed to be a satirical newspaper and all these articles are supposed to be fake, but this is actually a true story and a potential cry for help.
My roommate of four years, no lie, collects dolls from the side of the street and Goodwill and brings them back to our apartment. Am I scared of him? Of course not, I’ve lived with him for four years, and he’s one of my closest friends, I just find his, let’s call it, *unique* collecting hobbies is a little strange at times.
I mean I have to inform anyone coming over to my house now not to be scared or weirded out when they see the dozen-plus dolls spread out around the house. Last year, we even had one of the dolls glued to
our window! People walking by would see this every day! Not to mention the fact he left three or four dolls in the attic of our old house for the next group of people to find. (I really want to know what their reactions were when they saw the dolls sitting in chairs in the attic).
Now from time to time he’ll throw a doll into our living room without warning and scare the shit out of everyone in the house. They range from big to small, some can stand on their own, and others can’t.
One even has a brick attached to the bot- tom of it waiting to break someone’s toe. It also seems he has a personal attachment to some of these dolls. The other night one of them had their leg ripped off and when he found out he didn’t talk for the rest of the night, he was clearly very affected by what had transpired.
Now I will reiterate a few things, yes, this is very much a true story, I don’t have a problem with it, I just find it a little odd, and lastly, if I ever die unexpectedly, well, you know who did it.
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