Established actor and pope of the nation’s largest sitcom cult, Steve Carell, began weeping openly in an interview earlier this week, lamenting his Oscarless status. According to Carell, he has proven time and time again that he is willing to do anything to get the academy to consider him, and is being unfairly kept from the critical acclaim received easily by his peers.
“Which bear do I have to be the victim of non-consensual sexual intercourse to in order to get a stupid trophy?” asked Carell through a flood of tears.
“Did you see Welcome to Marwen? How about Foxcatcher? The Morning Show? I’m really trying here, guys, just look at all this overdramatic shit I’m slaving over! This is the definition of Oscar bait, but here I am with nothing to show for it all.”
Those in attendance described his tantrum as “pretty expected,” and “an episode of The Office, but, like, for real.”
“I’m serious about the bear thing, by the way,” said Carell. “Dead fucking serious. Just point out a bear to me and I’ll spread eagle until it does something I never expressed permission for. It pushed Leo to the top, so there’s gotta be something to it, right? Just give it to me. I need this. I want to do comedy again, and not just more kids’ shit with those minions.”